I sit alone
Dying inside.
So tired of crying
So sick of trying.
Wanting, needing, craving
comfort, acceptance, love, affection.
The ability to just be me.
Don't want to play this game no longer
This is torture- I'm not getting stronger.
I want it to end,
blow the whistle call out 'stop !'
Why won't you help me?
I thought you were my friend.
Confusion
Frustration
Raging inside.
No one to turn to
Nowhere to hide.
Fake smile in place
about to face the world.
The strong woman before you
just a messed up girl inside.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Forgiveness
At last my love has come -
How I loved that song.
Now it just breaks my heart
'cos I let it all go wrong.
I used to think you were my prince,
But now I know you're a lowly toad.
The times I've cried myself to sleep
I tell you now, you'll ever know.
Your controlling ways,
your stupid games
all got to be too much for me.
I threatened to leave
I tried to go,
but never once had the backbone.
Then one day something changed,
I knew I had the choice
To stay & be miserable - hidden away
Or make my way, out the door
To be held back again
Nevermore.
Now I see the things I've missed
The life I would never have.
The hate inside
has started to fade.
For your actions - I'll no longer take the blame.
I wish you all the happiness
that I have finally found.
No regrets -
Don't look back
Forget the "what if's"
Live for now.
It's all for the best -
I think - Somehow.
How I loved that song.
Now it just breaks my heart
'cos I let it all go wrong.
I used to think you were my prince,
But now I know you're a lowly toad.
The times I've cried myself to sleep
I tell you now, you'll ever know.
Your controlling ways,
your stupid games
all got to be too much for me.
I threatened to leave
I tried to go,
but never once had the backbone.
Then one day something changed,
I knew I had the choice
To stay & be miserable - hidden away
Or make my way, out the door
To be held back again
Nevermore.
Now I see the things I've missed
The life I would never have.
The hate inside
has started to fade.
For your actions - I'll no longer take the blame.
I wish you all the happiness
that I have finally found.
No regrets -
Don't look back
Forget the "what if's"
Live for now.
It's all for the best -
I think - Somehow.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Glue..
Glue
I know what you say when I’m not around,
I hear it from all the others.
You wait – I’ll get my own
I’ll show you what I’m made of.
One of us will fall,
And what a sight it will be
How much you wanna bet
It ain’t gonna be me.
Remember what they say about glass houses?
Well it’s time to put the rocks away.
Stop blowing smoke up my arse,
Man up and tell me the truth
Otherwise, shut the fuck up.
No-one thinks you’re funny
No-one thinks you’re cool...
Matter of fact
Pretty much everyone thinks you’re a tool.
You’re a scumbag, a cunt, a loser, a liar.
Truth be told,
I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
I wish you would die.
I know what you say when I’m not around,
I hear it from all the others.
You wait – I’ll get my own
I’ll show you what I’m made of.
One of us will fall,
And what a sight it will be
How much you wanna bet
It ain’t gonna be me.
Remember what they say about glass houses?
Well it’s time to put the rocks away.
Stop blowing smoke up my arse,
Man up and tell me the truth
Otherwise, shut the fuck up.
No-one thinks you’re funny
No-one thinks you’re cool...
Matter of fact
Pretty much everyone thinks you’re a tool.
You’re a scumbag, a cunt, a loser, a liar.
Truth be told,
I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
I wish you would die.
Fear
Fear [feer]
–noun
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2.
a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3.
that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.
4.
to regard with fear; be afraid of.
5.
to have fear; be afraid.
Fear of the unknown.
Afraid I've made a terrible mistake.
Scared I'll never have the chance to be a wife (again) and mother.
Worried I have ruined not only mine, but someone else's life.
Concerned I am a bad influence on others & will end up pushing them away.
Anxious That I am not nearly as strong as others believe I am.
Frightened Of being alone.
Dreading The unknown of what tomorrow may bring.
The should have/ could have/ would have's - always making me second guess my every action.
Trying to keep a brave face for public viewing- whilst inside I am an emotional rollercoaster.
Realising that -yes, I really am standing on my own two feet now, like a toddler learning to walk, it's all about baby steps.
So very exciting, daunting yet so freakingly exciting all at once.
–noun
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2.
a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3.
that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.
4.
to regard with fear; be afraid of.
5.
to have fear; be afraid.
Fear of the unknown.
Afraid I've made a terrible mistake.
Scared I'll never have the chance to be a wife (again) and mother.
Worried I have ruined not only mine, but someone else's life.
Concerned I am a bad influence on others & will end up pushing them away.
Anxious That I am not nearly as strong as others believe I am.
Frightened Of being alone.
Dreading The unknown of what tomorrow may bring.
The should have/ could have/ would have's - always making me second guess my every action.
Trying to keep a brave face for public viewing- whilst inside I am an emotional rollercoaster.
Realising that -yes, I really am standing on my own two feet now, like a toddler learning to walk, it's all about baby steps.
So very exciting, daunting yet so freakingly exciting all at once.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Black Dog
Sitting.
Waiting.
Staring, eyes unblinking.
It lurks in the shadows,
Out of visions range.
You sense it,
Feel it, taste it,
Know it’s coming.
See it dancing in the shadows.
Your heart starts pounding.
It launches,
Attacks,
Biting, snarling,
Ripping, tearing,
You heart, your soul
Darkness surrounds
You fight, you yell.
The struggle begins.
Sobbing, weary.
Battered, broken.
You look up to see
A glimmer of light on the way.
A sign of hope, of love.
It stalks away.
Slightly weaker, beaten again.
It prepares for the next round.
Knowing, taunting.
....
Sitting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Staring, eyes unblinking.
It lurks in the shadows,
Out of visions range.
You sense it,
Feel it, taste it,
Know it’s coming.
See it dancing in the shadows.
Your heart starts pounding.
It launches,
Attacks,
Biting, snarling,
Ripping, tearing,
You heart, your soul
Darkness surrounds
You fight, you yell.
The struggle begins.
Sobbing, weary.
Battered, broken.
You look up to see
A glimmer of light on the way.
A sign of hope, of love.
It stalks away.
Slightly weaker, beaten again.
It prepares for the next round.
Knowing, taunting.
....
Sitting.
Waiting.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Eye candy.. Pure and simple
Oh the "Wolfman".. One of the sexiest men in league, if not *the* sexiest man in league and daaamn.. he makes a pink beard look good
Monday, June 22, 2009
Evolution, Revolution & Change.
Thirty years of life, eleven years with the same guy, and friendships still in the early stages.
3 things with seemingly no connection... but then again.
If anyone was to tell me12 months ,6 months, 3 months ago that my marriage would be over, and I'd be living in Newcastle with two other girls, I would have said they had rocks in their head, yet here I am.
This is where I am in the all new adventures of Kylz..
A scary place for me to be, I've always had stability and consistency as a forerunner of my life, yet in the span of a month I left my husband and packed up a few of my belongings and moved in with Mel & Dot. 2 girls I adore, yet only met in the flesh in April.
Sounds a hell of a lot like an early mid-life crisis...
My marriage wasn't a bad one, we just grew apart.
He was exactly the same man he was 11 years ago. Me.. I'm a different person to the one I was last week, let alone 11 years ago...
We were both miserable, but didn't want to be the one to make the change.. until it got too much and I decided enough was enough. There are things I want from life, experiences I want to have and I realised I quite possibly wouldn't get to do any of it if I stayed.
I have never taken such a giant step in all of my existence, oh, I've done some stupid things all on the spur of the moment.. but nothing on this level. Everything that has happened has done so so quickly and with very little thought (not such a shock there), yet it all feels right in some way or another.
3 things with seemingly no connection... but then again.
If anyone was to tell me
This is where I am in the all new adventures of Kylz..
A scary place for me to be, I've always had stability and consistency as a forerunner of my life, yet in the span of a month I left my husband and packed up a few of my belongings and moved in with Mel & Dot. 2 girls I adore, yet only met in the flesh in April.
Sounds a hell of a lot like an early mid-life crisis...
My marriage wasn't a bad one, we just grew apart.
He was exactly the same man he was 11 years ago. Me.. I'm a different person to the one I was last week, let alone 11 years ago...
We were both miserable, but didn't want to be the one to make the change.. until it got too much and I decided enough was enough. There are things I want from life, experiences I want to have and I realised I quite possibly wouldn't get to do any of it if I stayed.
I have never taken such a giant step in all of my existence, oh, I've done some stupid things all on the spur of the moment.. but nothing on this level. Everything that has happened has done so so quickly and with very little thought (not such a shock there), yet it all feels right in some way or another.
Mel & Dot, Dot & Mel.. what can I say? These girls have been so fantastic/wonderful/amazing, I'm not sure I could even begin to repay them a fraction of what they have done for me.
From cuddles and laughter to sitting on the edge of the bath with me while I bawled like a fucktard.
They have done more for me in such a short space of time than some friends I have known for years.
But where to from here?
I have honestly never been so scared or excited before. The world is open in front of me & all I need to do is seize it by the short and curlies.. but do I really have the courage to do so?
What if this is all a mistake? What if I've made the wrong choices? Is it too late to change my mind?... Can I stop the ride if it all becomes too much?
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