Glue..

Glue
I know what you say when I’m not around,
I hear it from all the others.

You wait – I’ll get my own
I’ll show you what I’m made of.

One of us will fall,
And what a sight it will be
How much you wanna bet
It ain’t gonna be me.

Remember what they say about glass houses?
Well it’s time to put the rocks away.

Stop blowing smoke up my arse,
Man up and tell me the truth
Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

No-one thinks you’re funny
No-one thinks you’re cool...
Matter of fact
Pretty much everyone thinks you’re a tool.

You’re a scumbag, a cunt, a loser, a liar.
Truth be told,
I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
I wish you would die.

Fear

Fear [feer]
–noun
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2.
a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3.
that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid.
4.
to regard with fear; be afraid of.
5.
to have fear; be afraid.

Fear of the unknown.
Afraid I've made a terrible mistake.
Scared I'll never have the chance to be a wife (again) and mother.
Worried I have ruined not only mine, but someone else's life.
Concerned I am a bad influence on others & will end up pushing them away.
Anxious That I am not nearly as strong as others believe I am.
Frightened Of being alone.
Dreading The unknown of what tomorrow may bring.

The should have/ could have/ would have's - always making me second guess my every action.
Trying to keep a brave face for public viewing- whilst inside I am an emotional rollercoaster.
Realising that -yes, I really am standing on my own two feet now, like a toddler learning to walk, it's all about baby steps.
So very exciting, daunting yet so freakingly exciting all at once.

Black Dog

Sitting.

Waiting.

Staring, eyes unblinking.

It lurks in the shadows,
Out of visions range.

You sense it,
Feel it, taste it,

Know it’s coming.
See it dancing in the shadows.
Your heart starts pounding.

It launches,

Attacks,

Biting, snarling,

Ripping, tearing,
You heart, your soul

Darkness surrounds
You fight, you yell.
The struggle begins.

Sobbing, weary.
Battered, broken.

You look up to see
A glimmer of light on the way.
A sign of hope, of love.

It stalks away.

Slightly weaker, beaten again.
It prepares for the next round.
Knowing, taunting.
....

Sitting.

Waiting.

Eye candy.. Pure and simple

Oh the "Wolfman".. One of the sexiest men in league, if not *the* sexiest man in league and daaamn.. he makes a pink beard look good

Evolution, Revolution & Change.

Thirty years of life, eleven years with the same guy, and friendships still in the early stages.
3 things with seemingly no connection... but then again.

If anyone was to tell me 12 months ,6 months, 3 months ago that my marriage would be over, and I'd be living in Newcastle with two other girls, I would have said they had rocks in their head, yet here I am.

This is where I am in the all new adventures of Kylz..
A scary place for me to be, I've always had stability and consistency as a forerunner of my life, yet in the span of a month I left my husband and packed up a few of my belongings and moved in with Mel & Dot. 2 girls I adore, yet only met in the flesh in April.

Sounds a hell of a lot like an early mid-life crisis...

My marriage wasn't a bad one, we just grew apart.
He was exactly the same man he was 11 years ago. Me.. I'm a different person to the one I was last week, let alone 11 years ago...
We were both miserable, but didn't want to be the one to make the change.. until it got too much and I decided enough was enough. There are things I want from life, experiences I want to have and I realised I quite possibly wouldn't get to do any of it if I stayed.

I have never taken such a giant step in all of my existence, oh, I've done some stupid things all on the spur of the moment.. but nothing on this level. Everything that has happened has done so so quickly and with very little thought (not such a shock there), yet it all feels right in some way or another.

Mel & Dot, Dot & Mel.. what can I say? These girls have been so fantastic/wonderful/amazing, I'm not sure I could even begin to repay them a fraction of what they have done for me.

From cuddles and laughter to sitting on the edge of the bath with me while I bawled like a fucktard.
They have done more for me in such a short space of time than some friends I have known for years.


But where to from here?

I have honestly never been so scared or excited before. The world is open in front of me & all I need to do is seize it by the short and curlies.. but do I really have the courage to do so?
What if this is all a mistake? What if I've made the wrong choices? Is it too late to change my mind?... Can I stop the ride if it all becomes too much?

Courage.

Cour-age: (n). The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.


Not exactly a word I would use to describe a trait of my own, yet 3 people in as many days have said I do posess it, and in a fair amount too.

Naturally I had to question their reasonings behind such comments, and was told that:

* I am brave because I constantly change my hair style/ colour.
* I am brave because I took a chance and made a move that some considered to be a bit extreme.
* I am brave because I walked away from an unhappy situation, even if it meant changing the course of my life.
* I am brave because I don't hold back who I am, I stick to my guns and if others don't like it then too bad.
* I am brave for speaking my mind, regardless of the outcome.

Funny thing is, I disagree with everything they said to me. I am far from brave, I am fearful of some decisions I have made. I second guess things that have happened, over analyze stuff that gets said to me, and try too hard to make everyone else happy, before trying to make myself happy.

* I change my hair because I get bored with it easily, and I have a wicked hairstylist who likes to experiment :).
* I made the big move because I wanted to, the offer was there I took it.
* I walked away because it was a choice of that or have a nervous breakdown. Misery is a bitch.
* I am who I am, why bother pretending to be anyone else, it just ends up hurting someone.
* I speak before I think, this is not a brave trait.. it is a curse.

What do you know, maybe my friends are right.. maybe I do possess a slight amount of courage after all..

Things I Have Learnt

Amazingly enough I have actually started to pay attention to the goings on of life around me, and from this I have learnt:

* I am a good person - generally.
* It is ok to lean on others when times are tough.
* I have more 'real' friends than I first thought, and I am blessed by that.
* In tough times, it is amazing how many people are willing to lend a hand.
* People look up to me, and I'm getting used to being ok with it.
* I am loved.
* I need to accept my limitations, after all I am only human.
* My hair colour defines my personality (apparently).
* Try as I might to hide my thoughts and feelings, those close to me can still 'read' them.
* I am stronger than I first thought.
* I cannot change who I am to please others, nor should I have to.
* Anime isn't so bad.
* My friends are really the family I want to spend time with.
* Change is scary, but at times necessary.
* As much as I hate to admit it- I love my job.
* I must be growing up.. I don't like confrontation as much as I used to, I'd rather walk away.
* Dwelling on the past is not healthy.